There’s a saying in football that everybody’s favorite player is the backup quarterback.
In this case, that’s because the backup quarterback is the greatest player in the history of the sport.
There are two ways to look at Arch Manning’s first college start on Saturday, and because we’ve never let contradictions silence us before, we’re going to do both of them:
Option #1: Arch Manning Is the Greatest Football Player Ever
Will Arch Manning win the Heisman? Will the NFL finally break the Maurice Clarett rule so it can get Manning into its league a year earlier? Is Arch Manning faster than Tyreek Hill? Is he a better passer than Aaron Rodgers? I saw two of those questions asked this week!
A fifth perfectly reasonable question to ask ahead of tomorrow night’s game is whether Louisiana Monroe will play the game. Imagine warming up and seeing Arch Manning shattering receivers’ hands across the field from you. They’re going to forfeit before the coin toss, right? Someone could get hurt!
Option #2: The Manning Family Hurt Quinn Ewers and Now They’re Playing the Media as Well
We dealt with this a little on Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, but there’s a lot of chatter that the Manning Family might have injured Quinn Ewers’s oblique, possibly by making him laugh too hard during Monday Night Football. Nobody’s been able to confirm the screenshot’s real, but I’ve seen a text dated September 9 that reads, “Hey Arch, don’t watch Uncle Peyton and Uncle Eli tonight. Might not be the best for your preparation for Saturday, if you know what I mean.” Again, I don’t know if it was sent from Manning’s grandfather or not. But I do think we all agree that—
Sorry, I have to interrupt here. I just went and watched the NFL’s Manningcast highlight reel from Week 1 to figure out what might have split Ewers’s side, and the ad it showed me was a Peyton Manning Bud Light commercial. I am not kidding. I watched five seconds, tried to fast forward because I thought I saw something about Adam Sandler, and had to watch a Peyton Manning commercial. This family is incredible. They are everywhere. If something happens to me tonight, remember this post.
—as I was saying, I do think we all agree that bringing Adam Sandler on was a shot at someone’s oblique.
This week, the plot thickened.
You can get the full story here, but the short version is that ULM’s defensive coordinator dropped some major criticism Arch’s way, saying his 2–0 defense isn’t going to be afraid of the quarterback they’re facing this weekend. Hey Earnest Hill? Maybe check out Proverbs 10:27 for me.
Obviously, no one in their right mind would risk infuriating Arch Manning ahead of playing against him in a football game. This means that either Earnest Hill isn’t in his right mind (somebody check what the Mannings put in the water in Monroe) or that Earnest Hill is a Manning Family plant. Again, you can check out the full story here, but let’s just say that the connections are preeeeeeeeetty tight between Earnest and Uncle Eli.
What comes next from Arch? Forget that. I’m watching to see what comes next from this family. If, God forbid, he throws an interception, we might need to evacuate DKR.
Volleyballin’
The volleyball team beat Baylor on Wednesday in Waco. Straight sets. That’s right. Straight sets. Ever heard of ‘em? Tonight, Hawaii comes to Austin. I still don’t know what word you use for the start of a volleyball game, but I’m going to go with first serve. First serve’s in a couple hours. The game’s on SEC Network plus, which is a sad reminder of what we lost to realignment. This game should have been on Longhorn Network, where God intended it to be played.
Is Hawaii good? The Rainbow Wahine? They usually make the NCAA Tournament. (We can say those words here because we aren’t talking about basketball.) I would bet on straight sets, though, if I hadn’t already invested every cent I own into overs on Arch Manning daily fantasy props. Fun fact: If you pay them enough money, sportsbooks will give you prices on Arch Manning overs in the 2056 Super Bowl. They must really expect the game to open up by then, because they gave me –200 odds on him going over 900.5!
Picking another sport, let’s take a look at soccer. The Longhorns tied Alabama 2–2 last night in their SEC opener. Not a great tie. Texas was the favorite, and they blew a 2–0 lead. I will not let these women off the hook ‘em just because they’re women and I don’t know anything about soccer and I didn’t know this game was happening and I am just reading about it now as I type this. Sorry, ladies, but tying Alabama not good enough. Big one Sunday night at Mississippi State. SEC Network plus is where it’s at. Thank goodness that channel doesn’t have a Manningcast.
