Welcome to Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly column on the Texas Longhorns.
It’s far too early to call Arch Manning a bust, with the 18-year-old 18 years old and yet to take a snap in a college football game. There may come a time, though, and we need to be ready, because we—the Nuts—are very close geographically to the UT practice fields, giving us a proximity advantage in the conversation. Is this really an advantage? I’m not sure. But we’ve made it this far, and we’re not turning back now.
There are, as we see this, four possible times we can hit the bust button on Arch Manning’s career:
1. Right Now
Too early? Of course. But you don’t win a take race without prematurely criticizing a teenager. Arch Manning hasn’t beaten out Quinn Ewers yet? The guy who couldn’t finish better than third in the Big 12 even with an offensive line that managed to make Bijan Robinson a top-10 pick? Woof.
2. The First Time He Plays
Arch Manning is bound to have at least one bad play in his first appearance, which many guess will come in relief against Rice if Ewers does his job and the Horns are up big in the second half. We can pounce on that, especially because it’s possible we then won’t see Manning again until October or November.
3. His First Start
This being football, there’s a good chance Ewers gets hurt. We don’t want that to happen, we really like Quinn Ewers, Quinn Ewers getting hurt would be bad and we would be upset.
Would we pass on an opportunity to undercut the hype accompanying football’s Victor Wembanyama, though, just because we’re sad? Of course not. Again, we’ve come too far. With Manning’s first start probably coming in the middle of the conference season and therefore in a competitive game (the Big 12 didn’t exactly give Texas the easy road on the way out of the league, nor did the Big 12 give Texas the road which will lead to poorer ratings), we will have plenty of chances to say that he is not, in fact, all that. We will take those chances.
4. Next Year
Manning, a sophomore or a redshirt freshman, is expected to take over as the starter next year when Quinn Ewers is exiled by the Manning cartel to life in the NFL. It doesn’t matter how Ewers plays, so long as he doesn’t stink badly enough to have to transfer, the Manning family will make sure he gets drafted in the first round. The Mannings have at least one NFL GM in a corner on this. They will get Quinn Ewers out of Austin.
When that day comes? If Arch Manning doesn’t win the Heisman in each of his two remaining pre-draft years, he will have failed. And we will let the world know. Good luck, young man. A 28-year-old who keeps neglecting to shave and might have high blood pressure is ready to tear you down on the internet by saying you aren’t the greatest quarterback who’s ever lived. It’s you against me, buddy. And no one will notice if I lose.
