Welcome to Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly column on the Texas Longhorns.
There are ten Division I football games today.
This is what the Longhorns are looking for out of each.
No, this isn’t a column. This is a listicle. We got you so bad. You already clicked, though! Might as well stick around. Alexandra Daddario is going to play me when this gets turned into an HBO drama.
Notre Dame vs. Navy: Navy
Get the Irish out of here, say the Texas fans. More room in the playoff race for the Horns.
USC vs. San Jose State: San Jose State
Get the Trojans out of here, say the Texas fans. More room in the playoff race for the Horns.
Jacksonville State vs. UTEP: UTEP
Rich Rodriguez has never coached a game against Texas, so there is no bad blood here. There is, however, the recruiting consideration. Texas is about to join the SEC. Texas’s recruiting footprint should shift even further into the southeast with this move. Do you want an ascendant Jacksonville State program gobbling up bright-eyed boys from Alabama? No! Also, you can probably take UTEP’s money if it ever gets good. I think that’s how the UT system works.
San Diego State vs. Ohio: Ohio
Texas has likewise never faced Brady Hoke. Not even during his playing days at Ball State. Texas has, however, got newfound responsibility for keeping San Diego State down, with the Aztecs much closer than the Bobcats to becoming a power conference team. It’s unclear how or why or if they could do it, but they seem to be the one we’re all agreeing should be the next in line. As an added benefit: Ohio is in Athens, Ohio. Athens is where Joe Burrow went to high school. A good Ohio means more local interest in football, which means better quarterbacks entering the recruiting market. Who gets the best quarterback recruits right now? Texas. Checkmate, SDSU.
Vanderbilt vs. Hawaii: Hawaii
Vanderbilt is a conference rival, and I will not stand for a Texas who cheers for its rivals.
Louisiana Tech vs. FIU: FIU
To bring this back to recruiting: Louisiana Tech is basically in Texas’s backyard. FIU? That’s an international school. It says it in its name: Florida International University. Louisiana Tech is the greater threat.
UMass vs. New Mexico State: UMass
Do you really want to fight a two-front war against schools named the Aggies?
Jackson State vs. South Carolina State: South Carolina State
It all comes back to recruiting the state of Alabama, and how are we to know whether Jackson State’s recent recruiting success was because of then-coach Deion Sanders and not some other factor? Knock these guys down, Bulldogs (South Carolina State is called the Bulldogs).
North Alabama vs. Mercer: North Alabama
Plot twist, now we’re worried about Georgia. Mercer is in Macon, which is also home of the Bacon (college summer league baseball team). Do you really want Mercer to start cooking?? That close to Atlanta and your future five-stars???? These guys are basically a Georgia feeder program!
Fordham vs. Albany: Fordham
Albany plays Marshall. Marshall plays Virginia Tech and NC State. Virginia Tech and NC State are each part of the ACC, a conference whose champion will receive equal consideration to the Big 12’s champion from the College Football Playoff committee. Cheering for Albany here is basically cheering for Florida State and Clemson to both make the playoff ahead of Texas. Think of the strength of schedule implications this game has.
