Welcome to Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly column on the Texas Longhorns.
For those new here: We live in Austin and I am a Shaka Smart loyalist. That has led to me always wanting Texas to lose in the funniest way possible. Which has led to me needing to rank the scenarios these next three weeks, from not funny at all to hilarious.
Not Funny: Texas Wins Their Tournament
This would be bad. I would not like this. Rodney Terry would need to stick around, and I don’t really think that would be the best thing for Texas over the next five years, but once the fans have their “national title,” the next five years don’t matter.
Also Not Funny: Texas Loses the Championship Game
Two exceptions to this below, but: This might be even worse than them winning, especially if they lose to Alabama. I don’t want to be in a position of cheering for Texas, and I certainly don’t want to be in a position of cheering for them and then seeing them lose. That’s losing twice, for me.
Still Not Funny: Texas Loses in the Final Four
For a school like Texas, making it to that Saturday would be as good as a championship. I’m not entirely sure the school would keep Terry in this scenario—the “he needs to make a Final Four” narrative is just an easy thing to repeat, not necessarily anything grounded in any fact, and I think Chris Del Conte understands that even if a guy deserves a job, Texas can get a better coach (baseball fans, think of the Cubs canning Rick Renteria to hire Joe Maddon before 2015). So, Texas making it to Houston would leave us with Texas fans happy, the basketball program in great shape, and seeming good guy Rodney Terry heading to Lubbock or somewhere. Bad combination there.
A Little Funny: Houston Obliterates Texas
Texas getting smoked in the Elite Eight, by anyone but most likely by Houston, would get a chuckle. Annihilations can be pretty good.
A Little More Funny: Texas Loses to Iowa State
Texas making the Sweet Sixteen, getting over that hump, and then losing to the school whose roster they can actively recruit from would be a good bit. Losing to Xavier? Fine, not that funny. Losing to a double-digit seed? Funny again.
Funny: Texas Loses to Colgate
The immediate demise is a good bit. Look at what Arizona just did. But again, we like Rodney Terry, so this feels kind of mean.
Funnier: Texas Loses to Penn State
What we really want is Texas to get flummoxed by Booty Ball. This might be the most frustrating scenario. Not a disaster, but Texas fans who’ve been reminded they have a basketball team would be upset, and would say dumb things about Terry, and that sounds like a good little mess.
Funniest: Texas Loses to Texas A&M
Texas A&M might be underseeded, but the Horns would still be a big favorite here, and that could also lead to high frustration from the alleged faithful (to caveat some more, in addition to liking Terry and many players and Del Conte, we also like the Texas fans who do ride and die with this team—we don’t blame you for the Shaka Smart exit; we blame those who watched seven games over his entire tenure and based every opinion on whether those were won or lost). Texas losing the get–over–the–hump game to their school’s biggest cultural rival? Incredible moment. It would be like letting fire ants loose in a Texas fans’ house.
Hilarious: Texas Loses the Championship Game to Marquette
Very fringe scenario here, but boy oh boy would this be awesome. Not even hilarious, I guess. Just exhilarating. I would say a few things. I would hope others would join me.
Hilarious, But the Joke Is on Us All: Texas Loses the Championship Game to Tennessee
“It was me the whole time!” – Rick Barnes
Objectively? Yeah. This is best. Imagine Texas making it all that way, committing to keep Terry, then losing to Rick frickin Barnes. Imagine it! Imagine it!!
