Welcome to Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly-ish column on the Texas Longhorns.
Texas opened the Moody Center this week, its sparkling new basketball-and-other-things arena, and it reminded us of what we love most about Texas Longhorn athletics.
This guy:
To be honest, I don’t know what he’s saying in that video. I haven’t watched it with the sound on yet. I’ve watched it with the sound off a bunch of times, but I haven’t turned the sound on. Been a busy week. But I mean, look at that jacket. Look at that hat. How can you watch that and not think Texas athletics are at least alright?
It’s easy to make fun of Texas, and it’s important we do that. The Texas circus is far too positive in the early stages of its relationships. It’s why the media and fanbase meltdowns are so intense and so childish. They make every player out to be a Heisman candidate and every coach out to be John Wooden. They then act not just disappointed when their teams lose, but actively betrayed. It’s like they’ve watched so much Friday Night Lights (the show, not the movie) that they believe every game should be a Longhorns win decided by a fake field goal on which Texas also runs the Statue of Liberty somehow and the holder kills a guy but it was justified and then Steve Sarkisian names every fan by name in a thank-you speech from the 50-yard-line, and when every game is not that, it is a personal affront. Texas needs more realism. Texas needs a harsher tone. Texas needs more local negativity. That’s where we come in. But it’s important, too, to recognize the really cool things about Texas, like Chris Beard when he’s not being butthurt about a chirp from an OU fan and the baseball team when they aren’t playing a school with good vibes and Sam Ehlinger’s earnest belief that God ordained him to quarterback the Texas Longhorns back to the promised land. And, of course, Matthew McConaughey. Full stop.
The thing about McConaughey is that the bit is either authentic or he’s so committed to the bit that it’s become authentic, like when someone tries to act nice for a while and then actually becomes nice. McConaughey’s a riot, and I’m sure he’s annoying to A&M and Tech fans but if you’re annoyed by Matthew McConaughey you’re having a lot less fun than those of us enjoying his presence in our lives and our city and our city’s overhyped athletic department. The guy’s a blast. Again: Look at that jacket! Would you rather be the person whining on message boards about the wildcard actor from the Valley who made it big or the person watching a Twitter video of him on mute on repeat saying, “Damn, Matthew McConaughey’s so fucking cool”?
We have our answer. And maybe this can be a bit of an olive branch between us and UT fans. Until Shaka Smart beats Texas in the second round of next year’s NCA* *********t and we need to take a victory lap. When that happens, it is on.
