Welcome to a bonus edition of Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly column on the Texas Longhorns.
We haven’t ranked things in a while, and with Texas A&M suffering great demise and Texas…I don’t know, Texas is doing fine not great, I guess. Anyway, it’s time for some playground rankings. What are playground rankings? They’re kind of like the alpha-beta-etc. order in a pack of wolves, but more oppositional. On the playground, everyone knows who the top kid is. Without further ado…
1. Baylor
Yes, you heard me. Baylor hasn’t lost to TCU yet this year (might not do it at all), they won the Big 12 last year, they almost won the Big 12 in 2019, and they also haven’t lost to Texas this year. I don’t think anyone in this state can say shit to Baylor right now. Saturday, that might change, but today is Thursday.
2. TCU
It isn’t just a recent thing. TCU’s beaten Texas seven of the last nine years, and their peaks have been higher even in the last decade than Texas A&M’s, which is saying something because for as hilarious as Texas A&M is, they’ve had some admittedly high peaks.
3. Texas
No, no A&M yet. The thing about this is that Texas A&M wants this spot way worse than Texas wants it. Aggies measure themselves against Longhorns. Longhorns measure themselves against Sooners. That’s a food chain, and it might change when Texas goes to the SEC, but it hasn’t changed yet.
4. Texas A&M
Sorry, Tech, but you continue to turn no corners. This is football-only. And even in basketball you’re both obsessed with and terrified of Texas. You’re my favorite school in the state, but that’s personal.
5. Texas Tech
Oops, didn’t mention A&M in A&M’s blurb. A&M’s testing how bad you can be with superb talent, but they’re hurting their talent in the process and they’re on the road to being what Florida State was in the wake of Jimbo Fisher’s departure, a hole out of which the Seminoles have only just now risen to A&M’s own current level. A&M needs to move on from Fisher if it’s going to fulfill potential, but it’s going to be painful to do that and painful to live the next years after doing it, and the money is there but absolutely nothing else is, which is troublesome as a recipe.
6. SMU
Again, this comes back to who is more upset, seeing this ranking: SMU if it’s not them or UTSA if it’s not them? The answer is clearly UTSA, and that’s a sign that they know they don’t deserve it. They want someone else to justify them.
SMU’s fine. They’re doing their thing. They have a weird angle to dominance in the new-look AAC when all the good teams leave, so that’s kind of fun for them. The AAC consistently producing the 12-seed in the new playoff and that 12-seed getting completely pulverized would be a good bit.
7. Houston
Man. These guys should’ve been something. Still should be and can be, but they just can’t figure it out. They’re the Texas of the AAC.
8. UTSA
Sorry, flashers. The pan’s been used, and no one gives a shit about you winning Conference USA besides me. I care. I care a lot. But I am not on this playground. I am assessing it from afar.
9. North Texas
10. Rice
11. UTEP
12. Texas State
At this level, bragging rights don’t really exist. It’s a pit of despair. So we just go by who’s playing the best this year, with no real future to especially anticipate, and what future there is conveniently tracking similarly to this year’s results, which align in the standings and in head-to-head and are really just very straightforward. How is Texas State so bad? Why is the question with so many of these schools why they’re so bad?
