Welcome to Bevo’s Fake Nuts, our weekly column on the Texas Longhorns.
Finally.
A worthy foe.
The Texas Longhorns finished their collective 2022–23 campaign last night, the baseball team losing to the Stanford Cardinal. It was a good season. By no means was it as good as last year, when Texas won four national championships and finished second in six more sports, but the Horns did bring home two national title trophies, and there aren’t that many national championships out there. Not a lot of schools routinely win multiple titles. Not a lot, that is, except for…the Stanford Cardinal.
Stanford won the Directors’ Cup this year, and while the Directors’ Cup is one of those things you only care about if you win it (it’s the trophy for the athletic department which does the best across all sports), Texas won it last year, so Texas has some residual care. Stanford bested Texas for the crown this year, and while it was decided before last night, it hurts worse when the team that beat you is also the team that beats you. It’s a little like if the U.S. had dropped an atom bomb on Berlin, too. The war was already over. Why did Stanford have to do it like that?
“Like that,” in this case, is in suspicious fashion. This is what we really need to cover:
Tough to see fly balls at night, eh? On the home team’s field? The home team that needed to beat Texas to reclaim its nerd trophy built around sports people don’t care about? (I know we just contradicted that but work with me here.)
What America needs right now is a Texas vs. Stanford rivalry. Actually, America doesn’t need that at all, that’s kind of what’s playing out in our political sphere and it fuckin’ sucks, but I can’t resist trying to start a conspiracy theory amongst a fanbase that lives in close proximity to me, so here we are.
Those libs are messing with the lights. Their players get used to it, but opponents can’t. How could they? It’s not like baseball teams are able to go practice on their opponent’s field at whatever hour they want. You know what’s even worse? Just think: If Stanford is doing something this brazen in a nationally televised sport, how audacious must their cheating be in rowing, and in water polo, and in gymnastics? It’s not just Texas, folks. Even in the sports Texas doesn’t play, the presumption at this point should be that Stanford is rigging the deck. (Of course, they rig it worse against Texas, though. Bigger threat and whatnot. Plus, they definitely have Texas Derangement Syndrome.)
If you’re a Texas fan right now and you don’t absolutely hate Stanford, you’re not a real Longhorn. Every Wal-Mart shopper from Port Isabel to Amarillo cares about OU. Only the authentic faithful know Stanford is trying to tear Texas down, wicked and envious of our Texceptional culture and talent.
Don’t Californicate my Horns.
