Bevo got his first taste of SEC blood this past winter, memorably charging Uga, minorly goring a photographer (I met that guy!) and letting all lands east of Austin know he was ready for a tussle.
A tussle he’s going to get.
Yes, after seeing Bevo go after one of their less potent fighters, the SEC mascot brigade decided to strike back, choosing their strongest fighter to go meet the titanic Texan. Athletic Directors were called. Schedules were rearranged. And now, LSU’s in town, and I’m going to assume they secretly brought Mike the Tiger with them for what’s going to be a disturbing, blood-soaked fight to the death at midfield before Saturday night’s game.
Here’s how it breaks down:
Sharpness
Edge: Mike
Bevo’s horns are sharp, but Mike simply has more points to work with here. He’s got claws. He’s got teeth. He has more of each of those things than Bevo has horns. And while Bevo’s got teeth too, those are plant-eatin’ teeth. Not the meat-eaters we know and love about our massive felines.
Power
Edge: Bevo
Don’t get me wrong. Tigers are powerful. But Bevo is a tank. You might want Mike to catch you dinner, but you want Bevo plowing your fields (that isn’t a metaphor—Bevo’s neutered, which brings me to…)
Balls
Edge: Mike
Last fall, one of my friends went to watch Bevo’s strut towards the stadium before an early-season Texas game, and I distinctly remember receiving a text from her that simply read: “His balls are huge.”
Sadly, they’re fake. Bevo’s got neuticles. Yes, those exist, and yes, you should look it up.
As for Mike? It’s unclear whether he’s got his manhood. But there’s a chance. Which gives him the upper paw here.
Speed
Edge: Mike
He’s faster. No doubt about it. He could run circles around Bevo, and likely will.
Uncoddled-ness
Edge: Mike
Bevo lives the life. Exhibit A:
And while Mike also enjoys some comforts, he’s still a killing machine, because rather than finding entertainment from prancing around and eating grass, cats find their entertainment training for murder, treating toys like their eventual victims.
We don’t know what will happen when Bevo gets into a real fight. But we’ve got a good idea of what Mike’s going to do.
Size
Edge: Bevo
The most current estimate of Mike’s weight I could find online was about 350 lbs. Not small, but not the 1,700 lbs. Bevo’s packing. That’s almost a ton.
Regality
Edge: Tie
Both these fellas are quite majestic. Poised. Stately. Beautiful specimens of their respective species. It’s a shame one will have to die Saturday, watering the FieldTurf with the blood necessary to quench its undying thirst. But that’s the way it goes in the world of live mascots. Eventually, they all kill each other.
Overall Prediction
My best guess is that Bevo will shake off a few of Mike’s first attacks, and probably land one good head-butt on the visitor. But in the end, Mike’s agility will prove to be too much for the steer, especially without his nuts to make him think he can beat up anyone. It’ll probably get ugly towards the end, with Bevo bellowing all sorts of things as Mike finishes him off. Really, it’s very barbaric that mascots insist on doing this to each other, but here we are. Not every mascot can be as polite and friendly as that little wagon Oklahoma pulls around.
I’m sad to say it, but we may be seeing Bevo XVI unveiled when Oklahoma State comes to town.
