Part I. Bears
A tweet went around yesterday saying there are only eight kinds of bears, and if you’re guessing this goes back the sun bear thing in China, I’m right there with you. I bet this person was on the Sun Bear Wikipedia page, just like you and me. Anyway: Eight! Kind of a small number. The eight in question? From smallest to largest, along with where they live:
- Sun Bear: 77–176 lbs.; Southeast Asia
- Sloth Bear: 119–311 lbs.; India
- Asian Black Bear: 143–331 lbs.; Asia
- Spectacled Bear: 132–386 lbs.; South America
- Giant Panda: 176–271 lbs.; China
- American Black Bear: 86–902 lbs.; North America
- Brown Bear: 176–1,213 lbs.; North America, Europe, & Asia
- Polar Bear: 900–1,600 lbs.; Polar North America & Asia
Now, now. I had the same reaction. Where the fuck are the grizzly bears? Answer: They are one or a few subspecies of brown bears, which means they can reproduce with Kodiak bears (another subspecies of brown bears) and their Finnish friends (and others, but Finnish is so fun to say) despite looking a little different.
Bears!
Eight of them.
There are eight bears.
Apologies to our Kodiak and European and Asian friends, but I’m called brown bears grizzly bears from here. It is much more fun.
Here are the bears ranked in order of how many souls I think they could and/or would harvest if set loose in a room full of second graders:
1. Polar Bears
2. Grizzly Bears
3. American Black Bears
4. Spectacled Bears
5. Asian Black Bears
6. Sloth Bears
7. Sun Bears
8. Pandas, bless their souls
Here are the bears ranked in order of how cute I think they would be bumbling around on a trampoline or toppling over a swingset:
1. Pandas, bless their souls
2. Grizzly Bears
3. American Black Bears
4. Asian Black Bears
5. Sloth Bears
6. Spectacled Bears
7. Polar Bears
8. Sun Bears
Aggregating those rankings, here are our overall rankings of bears:
1. Grizzly Bears
2. Pandas, bless their souls
3. American Black Bears
4. Sloth Bears
5. Polar Bears
6. Spectacled Bears
7. Asian Black Bears (redundant)
8. Sun Bears
Part II. Chafing
I was trying to decide whether or not to go for a run last night, and part of my decision came down to the fact I knew I would chafe, because I had not washed any of the underpants that lead me to not chafe when I run. I decided to run anyway. I chafed! And it made me think: What are other pretty avoidable things we often just do? A list:
- Chafe
- Get hangovers
- Give ourselves the shits
- Track a little dirt inside the house
- Lose money gambling
- Make ourselves not get enough sleep
- Experience mild allergic reactions to cute animals
- Catch the novel coronavirus
- Break a small plastic piece while constructing furniture from an Ikea or Ikea-like kit by continuing to try to force it when it clearly is not working
Part III. Bears Chafing?
Do you think bears chafe? I think they do. Not all of them, though. I think polar bears are probably too serious to chafe. American black bears? Always chafing. Eating too many berries, getting burrs stuck in their armpits, chafe chafe chafe chafe chafe. Spectacled bears look like they also suffer some mishaps like these. Sun bears? Not sure. All that loose butt skin could work either way.
I would like to talk to a bear and ask it if it chafes, and then offer it some baby powder, but ideally not the kind of baby powder that’s been linked to cancer? Unless that’s the only kind that works and the risk is really small. If that’s the case, give the bear some relief. Damn. Let ‘em live a little!
