Hey guys, sorry we’ve been a little quiet on here. We’re working on the Tournament of the Worst™, but we made it a little too bad initially (war is being scrapped from the field) and then I got distracted for three whole days (you know who else went silent for three days? not to compare).
Anyway, we wanted to give you some content tonight, and as I went online to look for new videos of penguins loose in aquariums (they’re out there, and I will share them soon but you might have to remind me) I learned something intriguing:
Matthew McConaughey recently hosted bingo over videochat for a nursing home in Round Rock (remind me to post about that too—we need the content).
But also, this:
Big news, right? Probably. Who am I to say? I didn’t know the guy’s name ‘til his wife came down with the coronavirus (hope she’s ok, by the way).
Anyway, with the position open and travel restricted, it’s clear that the university needs someone local at the reins. Enter: me.
Reasons I Would Be Good at Being Texas’s President (the college not the state there isn’t a state president [yet {CC: @McConaughey}]).
- I live here.
- I don’t have anything better going on (NIT got canceled, folks, and who knows when Joe Kelly season will begin).
- Despite having only been in town for fifteen (15) months, I know the city well, having driven people around it in peacetime and food around it in times of isolation (it’s a bummer that Stuber movie came out because #StuberEats would’ve been useful right now for branding).
- I also know campus well, because I ran through it tonight minutes before the Fenves news broke (suspicious? depends.).
- I can make tough decisions. Just moments ago (after the run), I decided to smash the bug on my laptop screen, even though my screen is a touchscreen that I can’t figure out how to turn off of being a touchscreen (the cheapest laptop at Best Buy still somehow has a touchscreen—we’re doomed).
- I have my priorities in order. See: the following.
My Priorities, Should I Be Elected President of Texas (the college, and yes I mean the one in Austin, nobody is calling UT-Arlington “Texas” especially not after they fired Scott Cross)
- Sign Shaka Smart to a lifetime contract.
- Hang a 2019 NIT Champions Banner from Red River to the Drag.
- Hang another 2019 NIT Champions Banner from Red River to the Drag on the north side of campus.
- Buy ads at the airport making fun of Texas A&M for being so creepy.
- The school stuff—you know, make sure the kids are learning and whatnot.
- Freeze tuition. This is easier said than done, and faculty cringe when hearing it, so first, let me promise that faculty pay will increase at rates higher than the Big 12 average, and class sizes will be, on average, smaller than the Big 12 average. We will, however, increase enrollment. Housing is of course a concern, but strategic investments in properties in the north campus area can increase student housing without changing the neighborhood landscape or forcing students to travel abnormally far to class. In a similar vein, we’ll invest resources in online education programs available nationally, catering specifically to corporations seeking career development opportunities for their employees. Finally, we’ll obviously be paying stricter attention to unnecessary costs (see: the Purdue landline story, and yes I’m just reading an Atlantic article about Mitch Daniels and regurgitating it here while trying to make it sound convincing even though I know nothing of UT’s finances). And we’ll bring in veritable bags of cash as we continue to rack up NIT championships (another idea: just show the 2006 Rose Bowl on a loop somewhere in town and charge admission—people ate that up the other night).
- Use our foreign power to pressure Weber State into finally changing its nickname to the Beekeepers (but keeping Waldo—we still all love Waldo—and dressing him in a Beekeeper suit). Good luck finding non-conference opponents with the name “Wildcats,” punks. It’s beekeeping time.
- Ride Bevo around campus yelling “giddy up, ol’ pal!”
- Offer Oklahoma State the opportunity to become UT-Stillwater. If they decline, invade and make Oklahoma State a UT colony.
- Build an HEB in the governmental-building wasteland sprawling from 11th to MLK, somewhere around where the jail currently sits (where we’re going, we don’t need jails).
I’ve been up front about this, UT-Austin, but I understand you might not be able to be transparent, being a public institution and all. So, if you need to meet privately to discuss, you know where to find me (actually, you might not: we moved, so we’re no longer in the building with the smelly hallway and are now in a duplex with a very vocal dog next door whom I love dearly). I look forward to hearing from you.
