What a week it would be to visit these 16 establishments.
Actually, you might be able to do it in three days. You’d just have to cover a lot of ground. Maybe start in Florida, get to Ohio the first night, spend the second night in Wisconsin, and then roadtrip to Texas? Long three days, but you would consume so many calories you would not need to sleep. That’s how calories and sleep work. Simple, inverse relationship. I am a doctor.
We’re onto the Round of 16 in America’s Backbone (second round results here), and it’s as electric as they come. Let’s go region by region:
Waffle House Region
1. Waffle House vs. 4. Casey’s General Store
2. Fuddruckers vs. 6. White Castle
You know you’re in a good spot culturally when Fuddruckers and White Castle seem like the less down-to-earth options.
Waffle House entered the tournament as the favorite, pitched a shutout in the first round, and is still the chain to beat. It’ll be challenged by Casey’s—favored gas station/pizza plug of Iowa and many of Iowa’s satellite states—but it’s hard to take down a house specifically designated for waffles. Hurricanes can’t do it, and hurricanes can do a lot of things. Ever hear of Katrina? That storm was nothing if not accomplished, and even it could not knock out Waffle House.
In the undercard, White Castle is one of just two seed line underdogs to get through to this round. This is a judgment error on our part—we accidentally left White Castle off of the “How much do you love this place” narrowing of the field ballot, which made us take a guess. We guessed wrong, Skyline got beat, and White Castle is now the closest thing we have to a Cinderella. Which is fitting. Because of the castle theme. Fuddruckers, though, might be favored. Just listen to that name. Fuddruckers. You know you won’t leave that place hungry (and the tilted logo is still inspired art).
In-N-Out Region
1. In-N-Out vs. 4. Buc-ee’s
2. Portillo’s vs. 3. Publix
Whoa. This region came to play.
In-N-Out is the West Coast’s last stand. While others of these chains have locations out west, none originated or are associated with anything on the Pacific side of the Continental Divide. In a culture clash emblematic of so many in this day and age, though, In-N-Out squares off with Buc-ee’s, champion of the Lone Star State. Which wins: The burger chain which has ridden its by-design scarcity and the absence of other Californian icons to prominence or the gas station/grocery store/Wal-Mart combo with the cleanest toilets this side of my late Grandma Marlene’s powder room?
In another regional showdown, Chicago’s offering to its nation matches up with the suburban South’s favored grocer. Chicago vs. Florida. If California and New York and Texas are the top line nationally, Chicago and Florida are each right underneath.
Culver’s Region
1. Culver’s vs. 4. Bojangles
2. Whataburger vs. 3. Tim Hortons
We nearly got Culver’s vs. Menards here, which would likely have sent the state of Wisconsin into such nirvana that the entire 5.896 million-person population, not to mention its diaspora, ascended to on high, caught up by chariots of molten cheese. Instead, Bojangles enters the mix, and if there’s one thing SEC fans don’t respect, it’s the Midwest. This is war.
Whataburger is not as much a source of Texan pride as Buc-ee’s, but it does the grittier work. Buc-ee’s trips are special. Whataburger visits carry us through our day-to-day. In yet another beautiful regional collision, it draws the Canadian import (which some say Burger King has ruined, but that’s a matter for another time). Texas vs. Canada’s proxy? Sign us up.
Steak ‘n Shake Region
1. Steak ‘n Shake vs. 5. Piggly Wiggly
2. Zaxby’s vs. 3. Wawa
An Instagram commenter said Steak ‘n Shake wouldn’t make it past the second round. Sounds like someone needs to get to know their country. Did the commenter in question serve America in Afghanistan? Yes. But just because you did something noble and brave while bloggers like me blogged doesn’t mean you know the fabric of what makes us great. That’s steakburgers and milkshakes, buddy, and I don’t think they had either of those things in the Korangal Valley. Opposing Steak ‘n Shake is little old Piggly Wiggly, a lion in adorable porcine clothing. Don’t sleep on the pigs. They’re smart, and they know service.
Heading East, Philadelphia’s greatest export since the Declaration of Independence (sorry, Tina Fey) is trying to take down the pride of the Peach State. This is the closest we’ll ever get to seeing Eagles fans in direct competition with UGA fans, so let’s all enjoy whatever barking and street fires result.
**
Round of 16 voting is now live. As always, there are two ways to vote.
The first is our Instagram account, where voting will be live in the stories for the next 24 hours or so.
The second is this Google Form, where responses will be accepted if they’re in before 2:15 PM EDT tomorrow, Wednesday July 19th.
We’re planning on doing quarterfinal voting on Thursday. Tell your parents.
