American Idol Judges Ranked by How Upset I Would Be if They Called My Dog Ugly

First off, this excludes guest judges because Wikipedia didn’t claim to have an exhaustive list and I’m not going further than Wikipedia for this.

Now.

American Idol judges, ranked by how upset I would be if they called my dog ugly:

14. Simon Cowell

Yada, yada, I’d be mad if Simon Cowell didn’t call my dog ugly.

13. Ellen DeGeneres

Again, would not be upset. Would be much more concerned if Ellen pretended to be nice to my dog.

12. Paula Abdul

It’s cool, Paula Abdul. You can call my dog ugly if you want. It’ll just be awkward.

11. Keith Urban

Whatever, man.

10. Nicki Minaj

Ok, now I’m going to get a little upset. I didn’t expect this out of Nicki Minaj, and I feel like she’d probably say it in a creatively mean way. Not cool.

9. Jennifer Lopez

Who hurt you, J-Lo? Not my dog. My dog didn’t hurt you.

8. Harry Connick Jr.

I have only a vague idea of who this man is, but I would have a clear idea of how I felt were he to call my dog ugly. What would that feeling be? Upset-ness.

7. Lionel Richie

Ok, model train man.

6. Kara DioGuardi

I do not know who Kara DioGuardi is, and a large part of me thinks she does not exist and that her insertion on the list is a Wikipedia prank pulled by a middle school teacher to teach a lesson. Anyway, all that just goes to say that this is the median level of how upset I’d be if someone were to call my dog ugly. Take note. This is where the strangers fall.

5. Luke Bryan

Wow, bro. Thought you were chill.

4. Mariah Carey

I’ve been pretty cool about your most famous song becoming a Christmas song a good number of folks like ironically, Mariah. Don’t make me change that.

3. Katy Perry

This one would personally hurt. And I say personally because I voted for “I Kissed a Girl” in the first round of the 2000’s Bangers Bracket.

2. Steven Tyler

I don’t have any basis for this, but I’d be really shocked if Steven Tyler called my dog ugly. I’ve never gotten that vibe from him. This one would be the most surprising to me.

1. Randy Jackson

This would hurt the most, and not just because Randy Jackson would call my dog, “dog,” in his signature style and it wouldn’t be in a positive way. (But yes, mostly because of that.)