A large tortoise has been escaping in my neighborhood.
Here’s the information:
I have a few questions:
1. How large is large when it comes to tortoises?
Since you said it twice, neighbor, I understand your tortoise is large. But how large is he? As large as me? As large as the solar system? As large as a skunk?
2. What is the tortoise’s name?
If you’re going to post in Nextdoor about my future possible encounter with your tortoise, at least tell me his name so I can be polite.
3. Why does this tortoise want so badly to escape?
Is this a Finding Nemo situation?
4. How the holy heck does a tortoise lift gates off their hinges?
Starting to think large means large.
5. Does the tortoise like Whataburger?
There’s that one nearby on Airport and MLK. Maybe he’s trying to go there? If I find him, should I take him?
6. Who was the tortoise supporting in last night’s Texas/LSU game?
When a once-in-a-decade game is happening in town, all conversations are required to begin with questions about allegiances. My apologies for not beginning with this one.
7. How fast is the tortoise?
I know, I know. Tortoises are supposed to be slow. But I saw a soft-shell turtle in my buddy’s mom’s garden last summer and when I googled the creature (to know how to formally address it) I saw a video of one downright scampering.
8. You seem interesting.
Not a question, but I felt it needed to be said. People owning tortoises seem like they might be cool. Perhaps we should be friends? I’m intrigued by this tortoise. I would kind of like to know him.
9. Does it bother the tortoise to have your phone number on his shell?
I feel like it would bother me if my captors wrote their number on my back.
10. Will you keep us posted if you figure out how he’s escaping?
The preferred situation here is that you give us a video we can use for content. The best situation is that there’s an accomplice. A grackle or something.
