It’s Christmas Eve, which means Santa will be visiting the Kelly family tonight, presumably with plenty of gifts for Knox and the babies. As it should be. But one would imagine Santa has some other loot, as well.
You see, I’m no theologian, but my impression is that Santa is an agent of the Lord. Much like political advertising, his funding is a mystery. Much like Barry Bonds in 2001, his productivity level is of suspect origin. And since PAC’s are strict adherents to the premise of wasting money (by definition), and Peyton Manning’s wife doesn’t have the North Pole’s address on her online pharmacy account, the only explanation here is that God is providing Santa with resources both commercial and physical. Tonight, Santa will be doing the work the Lord has built him to do, which is rewarding others for the work the Lord has built them to do, which brings us to a guy named Joseph.
Joseph (the biblical one—we’ll get to Joe Kelly), you’ll remember, was a guy God trusted. So much so that God said, “Hey Joe, I’m gonna make your wife be My mom, which means you’re going to kind of be My dad, but really I’m My own dad because of this thing called the trinity, and before you ask: No, you’re not part of the trinity.” Joseph did what God built him to do. And Joseph was rewarded. Assumedly, with gifts from Santa.
And so it shall be this year, with this Joseph: With Joseph Kelly Jr. Because Joseph Kelly Jr. did what God built him to do this year, which is this: Humiliate Satan’s favorite shortstop. And you can bet God, through Santa, will reward him. With some pretty great presents.
