If there were four things, we would discuss the role of the executive branch in the Colts’ kicker situation.
1. Has ASU Finally Arrived?
One day into the Masters, there are four things to know: An Arizona State golfer’s golfing in it as an amateur. Yesterday, he wore one of those dumb hats where the letters are upside down. He also took a leak in the creek. Finally, he is from Spain.
That last part is important. To be honest, it kind of wrecks the whole thing. Looking at Josele Ballester, especially in that hat, one assumes he’s simply a douchebag. He golfs. He golfs for Arizona State. He’s wearing that hat. That checks eight douchebag boxes and it’s only three things. Instead, knowing he’s Spanish, we can assume that he didn’t realize he’d placed those letters upside down when assembling his hat. The guy’s working in his second language. Cut him a break.
But for all the harm it does to the hat’s branding, the Spanish part makes the creek piss even funnier. Should you piss in creeks? Yes, provided you neither hurt yourself nor scar any children while making the attempt. Should you piss in creeks at Augusta National? Probably not. Those might not be the creeks to piss in. Unless, of course, 1) you are a collegiate amateur lucky beyond belief to be playing in the Masters and 2) you maybe don’t realize how Augusta National does things because you are from Spain. In that case, you should piss in the creek. If you don’t piss in the creek, the hat will look out of place.
Beyond the creek piss, what this really signals is a blossoming athletic culture at Arizona State. For years, we’ve waited on ASU to achieve its full form. They tried Pat Tillman, but that didn’t really work. Pat Tillman seems way more like a guy who played at Stanford than a guy who played at ASU. Amazing man. Hero. We’re not criticizing ASU for celebrating him. We’re just pointing out that if ASU wanted to be ASU, it would’ve landed Rob Gronkowski. Or at least Jimmy Tatro. In the culture game, Arizona’s been kicking ASU’s ass. Football? Sure, ASU’s doing better for the moment. But again, while we love Kenny Dillingham, he seems a little out of place. He’s a very ASU guy, but not the part of ASU that ASU puts on its brochures.
Enter: Josele Ballester. Now that is an ASU man. He golfs. He golfs for Arizona State. He wears a douchey hat. He thought everyone at Augusta would be a lot cooler about him pissing in a creek. At long last, ASU’s building around someone who fits. Hopefully he makes the cut today. That creek isn’t going to piss in itself!
2. Is Golf a Conspiracy to Personally Cause Me Embarrassment?
Maybe you’ve seen the video from Wednesday of Poppy McIlroy—a four-year-old girl—sinking a 25-foot putt at Augusta. Terrible form. Didn’t appear to read the green at all. Sunk it like a cold-blooded killer.
I have a theory.
That ball sure seemed to go in easy. Too easy, I’d say. Having golfed a few times myself and having sucked at it, I can assure you: If I tapped a ball like Poppy McIlroy tapped that ball, my ball would go two feet, tops. Hers? Straight into the hole. Like a magnet.
My theory, then, is this:
Nobody is actually good at golf.
Some people are given special golf balls.
I’m still workshopping this, so I might be wrong about some details, but my theory at this point is that if you show up often enough, a man in a suit eventually pulls you into the woods and gives you balls that have magnets on them which pull them towards the holes. Why do these suited woodland men do this? What’s their motivation? To destabilize Western culture by making people like me feel bad about ourselves. The last time I went golfing was with a friend who golfed at the Division I level and two of his friends who didn’t. I didn’t get invited back. I’m guessing the other three guys had magnet balls.
3. Frozen Four Respect Session
Western Michigan’s into the national championship in hockey, and it’s tricky to describe because they’re not exactly a Cinderella but it’s a huge deal for their program. If Boston University wins tomorrow, it’s BU’s sixth title in its 25th Frozen Four appearance. If Western Michigan wins, it’s WMU’s first in its first Frozen Four appearance. More importantly: With UMass a recent national champion and Miami–Ohio good fifteen years ago…could this lead the MAC to sponsor hockey? Could we finally get MACtion on Ice?
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