The Masters just teed off, and we got curious how this thing started.
1. How the Masters became the Masters
First of all, Augusta National’s a cult, right? There’s definitely a weird initiation ritual that happens there. I bet it’s weirder than anything Mark Cuban did in college, but I don’t think it involves bloodshed.
It’s natural that the Masters is the most important golf tournament in the world. Augusta National is beautiful. The timing fits perfectly into the sporting calendar. But it’s also kind of weird. This is the one time out of the whole year that anybody hears about Augusta, Georgia.
I went looking on the Masters Tournament’s Wikipedia page, thinking there’d be some story about its rise to status as golf’s premier competition. There might be? The gist of the story, as I understand it, is that Bobby Jones wanted to build a golf course after he retired from professional golf, and that he built Augusta National, and that he then invited his friends to play there in a tournament. The second time they did this—in 1935—Gene Sarazen marked an albatross on a 232-yard shot with a club called the spoon. This tied Sarazen with Craig Wood with only three holes to play, and when the day ended with them still tied, they came back to play a 36-hole playoff. Which is crazy. 36 holes! Anyway, either the Sarazen shot was so shocking that it put the Masters on the map or Bobby Jones was simply so good that after he retired, his golf course’s tournament instantly became the biggest deal in the game. Bobby Jones is the key here. Even the first explanation stems from the second.
2. When will Aaron Rodgers announce himself?
Last night, Pat McAfee hosted an event called “Big Night AHT,” a Pittsburghian construction which loosely translates to “Big Night Out.” Among those present? Sidney Crosby. Paul Skenes. Ben Roethlisberger. Pat McAfee. Among those absent? Aaron Rodgers.
Pittsburghers and Pittsburghettes had hoped Rodgers would use the event to announce his nuptials with their football team. Alas. Aaron Rodgers remains a free agent. Just like Easton Stick.
With the Steelers still the Rodgers landing spot which makes the most sense, three possibilities for when Aaron Rodgers will officially become a Pittsburgh Steeler:
#1: The NFL Draft
There’s no rule against drafting free agents, just like there’s no rule against drafting players already under contract with other teams. Owners don’t like to poach from one another, so they usually use draft picks on college kids looking for an honest paycheck. But what if Art Rooney chooses to buck that trend? Right now, Aaron Rodgers belongs equally to all 32 NFL owners. What if Rooney chooses the draft—in Green Bay, mind you—as the moment to make clear that Rodgers is his and his alone, to do with as he pleases?
#2: Week 1
This would be very difficult to pull off, but imagine the moment if they could keep it under wraps. The Steelers win the coin toss and defer. (They’re the Steelers, not a bunch of pussies.) Their defense holds Joe Burrow and the Bengals to a field goal. (They’re the Steelers, not a bunch of pussies.) Their offense takes the field. Who’s that under center? Number ∞? What is that? Hey wait…Is that Aaron Rodgers? Good lord…that’s Aaron Rodgers!
Pandemonium ensues.
#3: Roberto Clemente Day
Yes, this would be after the season started. But the NFL season is too fucking long. If you want old guys to stick around, shorten it up a little. Respect baseball. For example: Use the holiday which celebrates humanitarian and all-time great Roberto Clemente as an opportunity to announce that Aaron Rodgers is joining Roberto Clemente’s favorite football team. (We assume Clemente was a Steelers fan. He’s a Pittsburgher, not a bunch of pussies.)
Things Aaron Rodgers and Roberto Clemente have in common:
- Both are best identified wearing a number with a 2 and a 1 in it.
- Both served their country: Clemente as a private first class in the Marine Corps Reserve, Rodgers by being willing to run for Vice President if Robert F. Kennedy asked him.
- Both were persecuted for something jungle-adjacent: Rodgers by the woke mob for being the smartest man alive and also doing ayahuasca. Clemente by a cargo plane for trying to deliver aid packages to Nicaragua following an earthquake which left thousands dead.
My bet is that they do it at the draft. Send Rodgers out there to announce the Steelers’ first pick. See what Packer fans do.
3. Stephen A. Smith vs. NIT Stu
Politics is in the news, because there’s always something new under the sun. What has us turning our eyes to Washington? Stephen A. Smith, of course.
On Monday, Stephen A. Smith tweeted, “Hate the thought of being a politician. But sick of this mess. So I’m officially leaving all doors open.”
Thank you, Stephen A. Smith.
Thank you for officially leaving all doors open.
I’m a little worried about the implications of a Stephen A. Smith presidency. Not because I think he’d be bad at it (he’d be bad at it, right?) but because I am basically a 30-year-old version of Stephen A. Smith. I talk about sports. I have a distinctive voice. I’m an open–doors guy.
I, too, hate the thought of being a politician. But Stephen A. Smith has me cornered. Am I sick of This Mess? I feel like I have to be. By taking a side re: This Mess, Stephen A. Smith has forced every taker in the business to be for This Mess or against it. I think Against This Mess is the safer stance. And if I’m sick of this mess, well, guess I have to leave all doors open as well.
What’s the percentage of presidents who’ve gotten assassinated? I don’t mind if I die via assassin (what a jolt of credibility that would give my various movements), but I would like it to happen really late in life.
Man. We are all about cults today.
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