Fargo Friday: The Cone of Shame

This is Fargo.

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Fargo has some things to say:

the times are not good, friends. not for this girl, anyhoos.

tuesday was a normal day. the alarm went off. they opened my crate. i shook my heinie like the dickens. we went outside. i peed. i pooped. i came inside and barfed a little bit (as a prank).

then, off to the veterinarian.

something you should know about me is that i am a rather trusting soul, and that given the choice between going on my leash with a new person and remaining with my old people, it’s “see you later, heckaroos!” and so off i went with the lady into the back hallways, expecting to find treats or a playroom or perhaps a dead squirrel.

there was no dead squirrel.

i do not mind getting my belly shaved. it is attention. i like attention. i do not mind getting my arm shaved a little bit. it is, again, attention. but i DO NOT LIKE being left in a strange crate.

and i let the veterinarian’s henchwoman know.

it gets hazy rather fast, but i have a recollection of awakening, and of walking out and seeing one of my people, and of wagging my tail but not my whole butt, and of standing still in the car ride home just staring at the seat and then standing still in the doorway when we got home just staring into the home and then finding a lovely blanket on the ground for me to sleep off whatever had happened to me.

i believe a lot happened.

there is a cone around my head now.

one of the things about being a dog is that you are often confused. for example. who picks up the people poop? but these day to day confusions can often be washed away with a head tilt and immediate distraction, which is something easy to attain when you are a dog.

i cannot distract the cone away.

it is part of me.

i seem to have grown it while i was asleep at the vet. it is cumbersome. i do not like it. and it seems to make the people treat me all weird. our walks are short. they get anxious when i jump, not mad or scolding or “hahaha Fargo you silly creature” (this one makes me smile). they get anxious when i zoom, even if i zoom after the poop is taken. they are around a lot more than usual, and they do still give me scritches, but they aren’t giving me scritches on the place i most need them, which is this weird spot on my belly that is itching like all the heck in the world.

another of the things about being a dog is living in the present. which stinks. because the present kind of stinks right now. and not in the good way like pee or my breath or dead squirrels or my breath when i have a dead squirrel in my mouth. i was not allowed to say hello to my friend Mable yesterday morning. Mable was probably all sorts of offended. i have been discouraged from chasing birds in the backyard. they are probably committing all sorts of crimes now. things sound funny. i do not feel as safe without my ability to chomp on enemies. i bark and growl at the sounds outside, and they go away, but holy heck if they did not go away i do not know what i would do. the people tell me this will be over soon, but that doesn’t mean anything to me. i do not understand their words, and my comprehension of time is very different from theirs.

i feel i will not have puppies now, and that is ok. i respect those who do, but i am a career woman. i spend my time on ambitious manners like trying to shred important documents with my teeth and stealing underwear and causing commotions at Petco with my jumping. puppies could get in the way of all of that. all for the better.

but for heck’s sake, people. i could have told you all that already! heck Bob Barker. hecking cat.

for the time being, i suppose i will make the most of it, playing pranks like going up the ramp into the car when they ask but then running right back down it, and zooming around when i am not supposed to and pretending to hurt my paw, and barking all hecking evening like i am at a Baja Men concert (i love the Baja Men). i will take good snoozes. i will hit things with this new cone and say “hahaha you have been hit by Fargo.” i will enjoy the stinkiness of myself. i am very stinky inside the cone. it is a great place to leave little treats you would like to save for later.

greetings from the world of cone. this is Fargo. back to sleep now.