This is Fargo.
Fargo has something to say.
heeeelllllOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*prancing*
*dancing*
*high-stepping-tail-wagging-booty-shake-romancing*
i love you.
ONWARD TO THE LOBSTER
i was given a lobster last night. this morning, it is dead. i ripped its legs off (heard there’s some good meat in there, and they were sure crinkly) and then disemboweled it. a gruesome kill. its claws could not compete with my ferocity. its stuffing armor could not protect its crinkly poppy squeaker.
the people came home the other night from what they call “Maine” and what i call “not here.” i was liberated from the boarding, which was bad because i sure have fun at the boarding and good because boy oh boy does the boarding mess my belly up. i eat a LOT of poop at the boarding. i am so fast. the boarding cannot catch me. also, if you stay at the boariding long enough the boarding gives you a bath and i do not know how this works but it’s possible if you stay even longer the boarding will give you two baths. especially if you have a lot of poop on your face. dog forbid i ever get two baths at the boarding. that would be a rough day for the fargs.
anyhoo, came home from the boarding, the people waited 24 hours (to test my patience, i can only imagine) then gave me my gift. i loved it. not sure why they had to go to not here to get it (ever heard of the internet? idiots.) but it smelled like dirty clothes and i do love dirty clothes.
it is fun to be given gifts. lots of fun, some might say. and with that i have a proposal:
more birthdays.
you do not have to go to not here to get the fargs a gift. you can simply give me birthday presents. at LEAST seven times annually.
the thing about us pups and you humans is that you talk about “dog years” but you do not take them seriously. you only celebrate our birthdays once. why do we not have dog year birthday parties? i repeat. WHY DO WE NOT HAVE DOG YEAR BIRTHDAY PARTIES? think of how this would work: every dog in the world would get seven parties a year. sounds mighty fun to the fargs.
and with the seven parties, we would—of course—get seven parties’ worth of presents. SEVEN PARTIES’ WORTH OF PRESENTS.
i am agnostic about the concept of dog years in general (the concept of time is pretty unimportant to me when it’s measured in the long haul [in the short haul it is very important because i eat sustenance in six hours and forty-one minutes]) but this would change my mind. i would be a believer. in exchange for seven parties’ worth of presents every year. think of the economic benefits, people. an economy run on canine birthday parties is one in which we all—or at least i—can thrive.
